BDSM Talk About BDSM Seriously: The Most Comprehensive Article
Many readers want to learn the knowledge of BDSM. To meet your needs, I’m going to sort out the recent high-frequency questions for new readers. When you finish reading this article, you at least know more about BDSM culture than your friends.
What is BDSM?
Most people’s understanding of BDSM is that one is beaten and yelled at, and one is holding a whip and secretly laughing.
It’s not. BDSM is a very equal game for adults. It’s an activity for two people to explore a new world of interest together voluntarily.
The concept of BDSM has been popularized in Cedric’s article before, while the differences between the roles of S and M and those of DOM and SUB have been popularized, too. In short, BDSM includes three types of tendencies.
The first kind of role, BD, is the abbreviation of Bondage and Discipline, which translates into binding and discipline. To put it bluntly, I’m good at playing with ropes. This is easy to understand, but difficult to understand are the following two.
The second category of roles is DS, Dominance & Submission (D / S), which includes two kinds of roles: one is DOM; the other is SUB.
The third type of role is the familiar SM, Sadism & Masochism (S / M), which also includes two roles, one is the Sadism and the other is the Masochism.
Note: BDSM is not B + D + S + M, but BD + DS + SM.
DS relationship is more spiritual attachment, SM relationship is more pursuit of physical pleasure.
Friend, do you feel more confused when you see this? I know every word. How can I put it together?
It doesn’t matter. For your better understanding, I will give you some examples.
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What is S & M?
Suppose we have a friend named Alex who is very fond of spanking.
He likes to give people pain, his partners like to accept pain, so they hit it off and came together. One day his partner said, “Oh, I want to be spanked.” Alex said, “come on.” So they happily put it into practice. Not only practice very happy but also mutually agreed, “next time we continue.”
Then one day, Alex said to his partner, “I want to spank you today.”. Her partner said, “I haven’t had the desire to be spanked lately,” so they didn’t start the date. After that, Alex cried and said, “how can my partner turn his back?”
What is their relationship in this case?
A: they belong to the SM relationship, not the DS relationship. SM relationship is a kind of relationship that pursues physical happiness with the appearance of sadism and masochism. If both parties are not for their happiness, then the SM relationship is not established. This kind of mentality is just like before when I had sex with my lover, when I patted her, she would say “Hello man”; but usually if I patted her, she would slap me. This is the same truth.
So if Alex grabs a guy and drags him into the house, is that SM? Although it looks the same on the surface, maybe Alex even touches his head and says “thank you” after he finishes the fight, it’s not called SM, it’s called intentional injury, because one party is involuntary.
OK, let’s look at the next case.
What is DOM & SUB?
Suppose Alex has a new partner. This person admires Alex very much. One day, the partner made a mistake, such as the agreed fitness plan was not completed. Alex said, “I’m going to spank you up for punish”. So although the partner didn’t like to be spanked, he willingly accepted the punishment and then went to complete his fitness plan.
What is their relationship?
A: they belong to the DS relationship, not the SM relationship. Compared with the previous case, although it seems to be spanking, DS relationship is not because both parties want to enjoy themselves, it is more in pursuit of spiritual domination and submission. Therefore, spanking may sometimes be just a means of punishment, to maintain spiritual authority.
Some readers say that if it is to maintain a sense of authority, it is not teachers and students? If a teacher punishes a student, is the teacher the DOM of the student? Although we are all keen on such role-playing in BDSM, theoretically speaking, it’s not a DS relationship in reality.
The main difficulty in understanding DS lies in how to understand “willing to accept punishment” in DS. You spank me in the face, but I cry and clap and say “good fight”. How is that possible? In the student days, the teacher asked us to stand, we obediently stand in the back of the classroom, but the thought must be “go to your code” and a series of dirty words. It is obvious that we are unwilling to do so, but we have to do so because of the power of teachers.
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Honor Principle
It is difficult to explain the psychology of DS in BDSM to a person who has never experienced it. Until one day, I found a kind of psychology that is very similar to DS, which can make ordinary people perfectly understand this kind of mentality, that is, worshipping start chasing.
When I was in college, I had a good friend who adored Kobe. One year, he got a chance to ask Kobe how to improve his basketball. Kobe said that practice shooting more, practice every day, 500 times, not 1000 times. He was very excited to receive the idol’s advice. After he came back, he would practice shooting every day and continue to practice until he vomited.
You have to know that Kobe has never seen him play and has no idea of his basic situation, but he has never doubted that Kobe’s suggestions may not be suitable for him. When he is tired, he feels that it is his problem and finds the reasons for himself.
This is the typical “willing to be abused”, his heart that grateful worship, if Kobe is willing to stand on the sidelines with a small whip to supervise his practice, then Kobe will become his DOM.
This mentality is also known as the “Honor Principle” in intimate relationships. In short, when something goes wrong, you always think that the other party is not wrong, and it is always you who is wrong. For example, when I play with you, I accidentally strangle you, and you think it must not be my problem, it must be that your neck is different from others. (in fact, maybe I have a problem)
There are many lovers with this kind of mentality. I have met many young friends who hold the psychology of adoration for boys, and their eyes are bling-bling.
DS relationship must be accompanied by the “Honor Principle”. If you find a DOM, he doesn’t think how to shine to your glory, but only how to make love with you. Then you don’t need to hesitate to scold him!
Can SM attribute and DS attribute be superimposed?
Will the relationship between DS and SM be so clear? Not necessarily. Most of them are superimposed together, similar to what I told you today about the meaning of eating and drinking water, but most people eat and drink at the same time.
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For example, let’s say that Alex has another partner, who likes spanking as much as Alex. Once Alex said to his partner, “I’m going to punish you”. The other side understood and said, “come on, I’m sorry, I’m wrong, punish me, please.” So Alex spanking him, and both were satisfied.
But one day his partner made a mistake, so Alex said, “I’ll punish you. I know you like SP, and spanking you is a reward for you, so I decided not to spank you for a month.”
This poked the pain point of her partner. She was desperate and faced with two choices: A, accept the punishment and reflect on her mistakes; B, say to Alex, “go away, if you don’t spank me, I’ll ask someone else to do this. In short, I have to be spank when I want to be spank.”
So, if the partner chooses A, what is their relationship? What is the relationship if she chooses B?
The answer is, if she chooses B, they belong to the simple SM relationship because the partner has no spiritual obedience and attachment to Alex; if she chooses A, they belong to both DS relationship and SM relationship, because they have a spiritual attachment, but also to pursue physical happiness.
The significance of distinguishing SM from DS
Does it make sense for us to understand these concepts?
Yes! How wonderful!
In reality, for example, as mentioned above, if a person chooses the B option “go away”, he will probably be described as a fake m by a group of S. Every time I see this misunderstanding, I want to laugh, because he is at most a pseudo sub, not a pseudo m, he is a pure real M.
This is the reason why we separate DS and SM because there are so many misunderstandings! If we don’t distinguish between them, the following similar errors will appear:
You are an M, want to find an S, just to satisfy your desire. As a result, you mistakenly found a DOM, who also called himself S. He punished you at the beginning, made a lot of rules for you, and said to you: you are not pious in your heart, now you can only count as a fake M. He thinks family rules make you worship him better.
You’re confused and unhappy. You doubt yourself on the one hand and BDSM on the other. It’s just because an M meets a DOM. Tragedy happens when you meet the wrong person.
You are a SUB and want to find a DOM that you can worship. As a result, you meet an S. You think he’s an abuser, so you’re with him. But he always tries to satisfy you by asking “do you feel comfortable” and “do you like it?”. You want him to have his ideas because he’s shining. But he felt pressure, he thought, “I gave you happiness, how can you not be satisfied?” He thinks you are greedy, you think he doesn’t understand you, and finally you can only break up in a bad mood.
How to judge whether I am DOM/SUB or S / M?
In general, DS tendency and SM tendency are superimposed, and reverse superimposition may occur. For details, see【】. Of course, the attributes will not be immutable, we need to meet specific people to analyze.
How to grasp their essential differences? That is: you don’t look at the appearance, but at the purpose behind it. It’s also rope binding. You need to see whether the purpose of seeking rope binding is to pursue physical pleasure or spiritual domination. If it is the former, then you are more SM; if it is the latter, then you are ds; if it is both, then you are both SM and DS.
Is BDSM suitable for minors?
NO.
But here I would like to expand that minors are just a general statement. The hidden subtext of it refers to:
“People who don’t have mature values to judge good or bad are not suitable for BDSM, people who can’t be responsible for their own words and deeds are not suitable for BDSM, and people who don’t form their moral bottom line are not suitable for BDSM.”
Some people are already adults in their physiological age, even in their 30s and 40s, but their minds are not up to the standard of adults at all. I think these people can still be classified as minors and are still not suitable for BDSM.
BDSM emphasizes safe, sane, and consensual(SSC). It does not encourage everyone to try it, nor does it force everyone to understand it.
But I think it is very meaningful for people who want to understand it to get objective and fair scientific guidance without being blinded by false preaching. Understanding the right knowledge is not only a respect for knowledge but also a protection for us.
When you finish today’s content, the next time someone says to you, “M is a slave, obey the master unconditionally”, “Don’t worry about the concept, just listen to me.” You won’t feel flustered, or even want to laugh at that fool.
Why can knowledge become a weapon and shield? Because after you learn, it will stand behind you and never betray you.
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